Spew Stories

From the early infant days of spitting up after nursing (or bottling) to the preschool days of anger and cough puking, the spew from your children may seem endless. As I ponder my morning’s post-breakfast, angry puke clean up session, it has occurred to me that children always seem to pick the least convenient times to throw up. It doesn’t  matter why they’re puking, it’s always going to be at the worst possible time (and too often it happens in the middle of the night).

Here are some real life examples to prove my point:

  1. The coughing puke. My son is a champion cougher. He throws his whole being into the cough, bent over, gasping for air, grabbing for support. The effort he puts into each cough can trigger the dreaded coughing puke. It’s mostly mucous unless we’ve just finished a meal. The last coughing puke on record in our house was about 45 minutes after the boy when to bed. “Go the F..K to Sleep” comes to mind.
  2. The angry puke. This is usually accompanied with wailing and gasping for air. Just this morning, after offering 3 different types of cereal one after another, then 2 types of toast toppings, I realized that my little girl was not going to like her breakfast (the same one she likes every damn day) no matter what combo I presented. I gave up and took all of her dishes off the table. She threw a fit, and threw up all over herself and the floor. At least it was all over her pj’s and taking them off brought us closer to the point of getting dressed – theoretically. The throw up threw off our entire morning schedule and nobody got their teeth brushed today.
  3. The sick puke. To kick off our family illness marathon that started in December and ran into January… my little girl vomited in bed in the middle of the night. Sick pukes most commonly occur in the middle of the night. She sort of woke up, cried a bit, and then settled down. I usually wait to see if they go back to sleep before bothering to get out of bed at night. So when I went to get her up in the morning and saw her curled up in a dried pool of her own vomit, I felt like the worst mother in the universe. To make matters worse, I ignored my son’s tummy complaints that morning, assuming he was looking for an excuse to stay home too. His sick puke happened about 10 minutes after I dropped him off at daycare. I had to turn around and go pick him up again. Another worst mother moment for me.
  4. The tickle puke. I don’t think we’ve had to deal with this one yet… but I’m sure we will one day. It’s the post-dinner tickle fight that ends up with one kid puking on the other one. Can’t wait. Hope it’s on the carpet.

I feel like I should apologize for taking on such a disgusting topic. But really, if you can’t handle a little vomit, what are you doing having children?

Did I mention that I once caught an angry puke in my hand to prevent my son from contaminating his whole dinner? Yup… I’m that good.

 

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About dirtyrottenparenting

I'm a parent of two lovely (most of the time) children. I work full time out of the home and I don't cook well, bake, sew, or do crafty things. I keep my high heels and jewelry at my office because there's no point in having them at home. I love Mondays because I can return to the world of adults, go to the bathroom alone and have nearly uninterrupted conversations with others.
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9 Responses to Spew Stories

  1. Cindy says:

    Our kids have mastered the art too and have another version called the, “There’s something I don’t like in my mouth puke”. It could be a hair, it could be supper, it could be anything really. If it goes into their mouth and they don’t like it EV-ER-Y-THING comes out again! Fun times to be had by all! (Such a co-incidence seeing this post now. At this very moment I have the middle tot in bed with me after she vomited in her bed – twice!)

  2. Kristen says:

    I find the coughing puke the most detestable. I’ve tried explaining so many times when you start coughing, you really need to just CALM DOWN. Cough, but try to remain calm. Running through the house like your hair is on fire will not help the situation. Remember to breath. When the coughing stops for a moment – instead of screaming – try to take a controlled, calm breath. It’s all to no avail. They don’t get get it. *sigh*

    This ended with a bathroom sink full of coughing fit throw-up the other day. Blech. Apparently it was my fault because child #1 didn’t like dinner – even though 15 minutes prior she was exclaiming how tasty it was. *double sigh*

  3. Have been through every word of this, including the tickle puke and the catching puke in my hands. We’ll have to compare worst parent awards some day.

  4. gavmomof2 says:

    How about the over mummy’s shoulder or down mummy’s shirt puke!?!? A lovely cold, slimy and very gross smelling “eau de vomit” slowly works its way along your body as you clean up your kid. Sometimes the dog decides to help and licks the drippings ! Yay!!!

  5. Deni Lyn says:

    So so true! The middle of the night stuff is awful for everyone involved. . .although catching puke in your hands during dinner is pretty terrible too! You made me chuckle! Thanks!

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