From the early infant days of spitting up after nursing (or bottling) to the preschool days of anger and cough puking, the spew from your children may seem endless. As I ponder my morning’s post-breakfast, angry puke clean up session, it has occurred to me that children always seem to pick the least convenient times to throw up. It doesn’t matter why they’re puking, it’s always going to be at the worst possible time (and too often it happens in the middle of the night).
Here are some real life examples to prove my point:
- The coughing puke. My son is a champion cougher. He throws his whole being into the cough, bent over, gasping for air, grabbing for support. The effort he puts into each cough can trigger the dreaded coughing puke. It’s mostly mucous unless we’ve just finished a meal. The last coughing puke on record in our house was about 45 minutes after the boy when to bed. “Go the F..K to Sleep” comes to mind.
- The angry puke. This is usually accompanied with wailing and gasping for air. Just this morning, after offering 3 different types of cereal one after another, then 2 types of toast toppings, I realized that my little girl was not going to like her breakfast (the same one she likes every damn day) no matter what combo I presented. I gave up and took all of her dishes off the table. She threw a fit, and threw up all over herself and the floor. At least it was all over her pj’s and taking them off brought us closer to the point of getting dressed – theoretically. The throw up threw off our entire morning schedule and nobody got their teeth brushed today.
- The sick puke. To kick off our family illness marathon that started in December and ran into January… my little girl vomited in bed in the middle of the night. Sick pukes most commonly occur in the middle of the night. She sort of woke up, cried a bit, and then settled down. I usually wait to see if they go back to sleep before bothering to get out of bed at night. So when I went to get her up in the morning and saw her curled up in a dried pool of her own vomit, I felt like the worst mother in the universe. To make matters worse, I ignored my son’s tummy complaints that morning, assuming he was looking for an excuse to stay home too. His sick puke happened about 10 minutes after I dropped him off at daycare. I had to turn around and go pick him up again. Another worst mother moment for me.
- The tickle puke. I don’t think we’ve had to deal with this one yet… but I’m sure we will one day. It’s the post-dinner tickle fight that ends up with one kid puking on the other one. Can’t wait. Hope it’s on the carpet.
I feel like I should apologize for taking on such a disgusting topic. But really, if you can’t handle a little vomit, what are you doing having children?
Did I mention that I once caught an angry puke in my hand to prevent my son from contaminating his whole dinner? Yup… I’m that good.